Counter Thingy that Counts Crap

Friday, September 25, 2009

Oh, weight.

Yah. So, before Ellen left, I was up north of 230. I obviously stopped documenting it, because... I was nort of 230 again. I'd reckon 235, to be completely honest. That was the end of June.

As of today, I'm back down to 215. I feel amazing though. I have TONS more muscle/definition than I have at any point since (maybe even before) highschool football. I'm biking like mad. It feels great, I feel great, and I still have a ways to go still. I honestly feel healthier at "this" 215 than i ever did at the 195 I was at the time I lost "all the weight" when I came back to St. Louis from the first transfer to Denver. It's weird, and I love it.

Anyway. I rock. Fuck you. :P


Dude. So, for, whatever reason, I stumbled upon my own blog. Which means I suck at updating it. Also, it's 2am on a Thursday.

And, I'm drunk.

So, I should probably catch y'all (anyone?) up.

So, Ellen left me about 2 weeks after that previous post. So, now I'm semi-divorced. That's neat. I'll spare y'all the sordid details, but.. They're sordid.

Anyway, our divorce should theoretically be final in about 6 weeks, and I honestly can't wait to move on with my life at this point.

"Oh my gosh" you say. "Seriously, he can't wait?". Yah. Fucking seriously. I can't wait. It's been the weirdest 3/4 months of my life, hands down. The first 3 weeks of which I will NEVER deal with again in this life. I will never let myself feel that much pain, and I will never deal with it in the ways that I did. Between 3rd party therapy and self-exploration, I've learned more about myself in the last 3 months than I have in the last 30 years of my life. This isn't an exaggeration of any sort. I am absolutely, without a doubt, a different person than I was before any of this happened. And it's really fucked up that it took what happened to make me realize that, but I get it, to a certain degree. Darkest before the dawn, etc, etc. You need that kick in the ass to make you awake sometimes.

I've said this to her, and I'll say it again, it's a damn shame we couldn't reach this point we're supposedly both at together. But, the situation is how it is, and honestly, after seeing what I've seen, I honestly believe I'm better off without that (her) in my life.

Yes, callous, but fuck.

There's nothing I'm saying here that I haven't said to her. And that's my new outlook, which is simple, and will probably bite me in the ass in the years to come; dead, complete, fucking honesty. Let me know where I stand, I'll do the same. Life is too short (considering I'm 1/3+ the way through) for this bullshit.

That sounds entirely too emo.

But dammit if it isn't true.

Shortly after she left, and with the blessing of my therapist, I started 'dating', which led me to the online gig, since I'm in IT and that's the environment I function best in. Resultant, I've been sort of 'serial-dating' as a knee-jerk reaction. I figure I've got 12+ years (I'm considering the fact that I wouldn't have starting adult 'dating' until 18) of life/dating/women experience to catch up on in as little time as possible. I'm not sure I gave myself any sort of deadline, or any sort of goal in light of everything. And that's absolutely a good thing, in my eyes. I've met some incredible people, and had some very worthwhile experiences throughout everything, none of which I'd ever give up.

On the whole, it's been amazing. And maybe that's because of where I'm coming from, where I never had that experience... Like when the Amish send their children out for Rumspringa, I feel like I'm on my own little catch-up rebellion. I'm experiencing things I never got to before because of my situation. I'm meeting new, interesting people. I'm having completely screwed-up experiences, that are completly out of the norm for anyone, much less someone in my situation. And I'm LOVING IT. It's pure, unadulterated chaos, and I'm embracing it.

But... I'm also winding down on it already. The Playboy lifesyle isn't one for me. I don't think, anyway. I've already hurt people in the short course of time I've been doing my 'new' thing. I have more people I have to hurt in some capacity because of circumstances. And I don't like doing that. It's just not in me. I'm a very compassionate person, and not a player (I just crush a lot) (but I don't). And that's part of the bigger issue on this. My hand was forced into this lifestyle I always thought about in the back of my mind, but really never wanted to deal with.

BUT, on the opposite page, I've seen what happens when a relationship seems to go amazingly, and the blows up in your face ultimately through.. well.. I know I mis-stepped, but ultimately I did nothing 'wrong', in the traditional Lifetime Movie sense of a relationship. So, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know that the Playboy lifestyle is for me, but I also am scared shitless to let myself be back in situation I was 3-4 months ago. It's interesting. And scary. And confusing.

And honestly, I love it. I normally hate not being in control, but this controlled chaos is perfect for me at this point in time. I want to be able to embrace it, experience it, and figure out EXACTLY what to do with it.

The biggest issue is, ultimately, I know that no matter what I wind up in, if there's another person involved, I lose control over the situation to some degree. I'm not sure what to do with that, honestly. I can't allow myself to be hurt like I was before. BUT, on the same breath, I know that I'll never be able to be hurt like that again. Not because I'm putting up guards and defenses, but because I'm capable of learning from mistakes, and learning to be more aware of my surroundings. Which may, or may not, be similar to a proverbial wall.

Regardless, I've reached my pinnacle. I know what I'm capable of withstanding, I know what I'm capable of giving now, and I know what I'm NOT willing to do again.

And I think that's the best possible starting point any person can ever have.