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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I quit! (again)

I'm officially on day 4 of being smoke-free.

Think I've pulled through all my normal triggers successfully:

Driving (boredom/ritual)
Drinking (not while driving)
Work crap (hour+ conference call with dimwits yesterday)
Ex crap (talked to her for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday, pulled a bunch of crap (pics, etc) off the computer for her last night... while drinking.)
Mad Men (40 people lighting up in every scene just makes me want one)

Doin it cold turkey, smoked about 6-7 in a row Friday on the drive back from IL to polish off a pack and ruin the taste for me. Mission accomplished. Got news while I was home that my grandfather, who I'm not exactly fond of, but regardless, was diagnosed with emphysema and a secondary terminal lung issue, he'll be the 2nd smoker in the family to go from emph.

Also, I decided my life has stabilized enough I don't need the emotional crutch anymore, I'm more worried about the 2nd one than the 1st right now. But, we'll see. Ex is coming over tomorrow, that will probably be the true litmus test.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

In light of everything, dug this up about a really awesome guy.

PAXTON -- Dr. Robert Basler walked up to his front door, collected his mail and let in a visitor.
He threw the mail on the table. No worries about receiving any more "famous" letters -- not at 86.
Basler's first famous letter came at age 22 from Adolph Hitler, inducting him into the German army.
About a decade later -- after immigrating with his family to the United States -- Dwight D. Eisenhower extended an order for Basler to serve the stars and stripes.
There aren't many who can claim such a dual role.
Today, Basler remains active in medicine and looks back on a life that has seen the horrors of war in Europe and the most prosperous period in the world's richest country, the United States.
A native of Austria, Basler began his medical education in Prague, Czechoslovakia, but after one year took a planned trip overseas to visit relatives in Michigan in 1938. "I fell in love with this country and everything it stood for," Basler said. "I said, 'That's where I'm going to live,' but I only had a visitor's visa."
As he was returning home to medical school, "the ship newspaper announced the Czech-German border had been closed and war was eminent," Basler remembers. Unable to return to Prague, Basler went with his mother to Vienna and enrolled at Vienna University to further his medical education.
After basic training, Basler was relegated to the medical corps. "I was put in charge of a refill battalion (that sent replacements to the front lines)," Basler said.

To the Russian front

The draftee soon was packed into a cattle car and sent to the Russian front, a trip that took about a week. Basler said. "On our arrival in Orel the temperature was minus-32." Basler doesn't have to watch The History Channel. He lived it.
"The troops on both sides as well as the people endured the hardship of the hardest Russian winter in years," ended up at Orel, about 75 miles south of Moscow.Basler
The mercury would plummet to as low as minus-58 during his stay.
"German soldiers were utterly unprepared for the hardship of the Russian winter," Basler said. "They had no lined overcoats, knitted gloves instead of mittens, inadequate hats and shoes. Comparatively speaking, the Russians were well-prepared."

Medical studies

After three months in the Soviet Union, Basler was ordered back to Vienna to continue his medical education, but he had to return in the summer of 1943.
"Next to the railroads, all the forests were deforested for 200 yards to make it less possible to blow up the trains," Basler said. "I experienced one of the blowups myself."
The Germans were retreating near Kiev, the capital of the Ukraine. Basler again returned to Vienna; air raids threw everyday life into a panic.
Peace came April 11, 1945, when the Soviets took control of Vienna.
Basler worked in a Viennese military hospital. The Soviets made him an interpreter because he spoke Czech, which is close to the other Slavic languages. Afterward he became an interpreter for the U.S. Administration of the Inter-Allied Command.

A long voyage

After receiving his doctorate in 1948, he worked as a physician in a U.S. field hospital in Vienna. He and his wife and two children immigrated to the United States on Feb. 1, 1950, and he found a job in a Michigan hospital.
Six months later, Basler secured an internship in Chicago, passed his state boards and settled in Gifford, where he set up his medical practice.
He received his U.S. draft notice in 1954 and was assigned to the Air Force, where he was commissioned a captain. Basler served in the Strategic Air Command and was stationed at Whiteman Air Force Base.
"In those days I had to participate in base command briefings, which had a lot of confidential secret papers," Basler said. "At one of the meetings I mentioned it was kind of strange to be reviewing these papers when I am not a (U.S.) citizen." The statement left everyone present stunned. Within three days he was in St. Louis and was sworn in as a citizen.

His Air Force duty interrupted his Gifford practice for two years. He returned to the Champaign County community, where he resumed his medical practice. In 1960, he also opened an office in Rantoul.
Basler and his family moved to Champaign in 1964, where he has maintained a practice ever since. He continues to maintain an office in Urbana on a part-time basis and is medical director of Asta Health Care Center, Paxton.
Basler has four children from his first marriage. He and his second wife, Renate, also from Austria, have one son, Chris.
His outside interests have changed -- he once liked to fish, bike, play tennis and ski -- but now is interested in stamps, chess, reading, history and languages.
He also is working on an autobiography.

Monday, October 12, 2009

wait, baby wait

212.4 this morning.

What this means is my weekend diet of turkey, gravy, and Taco Bell is working wonders. Maybe I should move up to that full-time.


What?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Oh, weight.

Yah. So, before Ellen left, I was up north of 230. I obviously stopped documenting it, because... I was nort of 230 again. I'd reckon 235, to be completely honest. That was the end of June.

As of today, I'm back down to 215. I feel amazing though. I have TONS more muscle/definition than I have at any point since (maybe even before) highschool football. I'm biking like mad. It feels great, I feel great, and I still have a ways to go still. I honestly feel healthier at "this" 215 than i ever did at the 195 I was at the time I lost "all the weight" when I came back to St. Louis from the first transfer to Denver. It's weird, and I love it.

Anyway. I rock. Fuck you. :P

Wow.

Dude. So, for, whatever reason, I stumbled upon my own blog. Which means I suck at updating it. Also, it's 2am on a Thursday.

And, I'm drunk.

So, I should probably catch y'all (anyone?) up.

So, Ellen left me about 2 weeks after that previous post. So, now I'm semi-divorced. That's neat. I'll spare y'all the sordid details, but.. They're sordid.

Anyway, our divorce should theoretically be final in about 6 weeks, and I honestly can't wait to move on with my life at this point.

"Oh my gosh" you say. "Seriously, he can't wait?". Yah. Fucking seriously. I can't wait. It's been the weirdest 3/4 months of my life, hands down. The first 3 weeks of which I will NEVER deal with again in this life. I will never let myself feel that much pain, and I will never deal with it in the ways that I did. Between 3rd party therapy and self-exploration, I've learned more about myself in the last 3 months than I have in the last 30 years of my life. This isn't an exaggeration of any sort. I am absolutely, without a doubt, a different person than I was before any of this happened. And it's really fucked up that it took what happened to make me realize that, but I get it, to a certain degree. Darkest before the dawn, etc, etc. You need that kick in the ass to make you awake sometimes.

I've said this to her, and I'll say it again, it's a damn shame we couldn't reach this point we're supposedly both at together. But, the situation is how it is, and honestly, after seeing what I've seen, I honestly believe I'm better off without that (her) in my life.

Yes, callous, but fuck.

There's nothing I'm saying here that I haven't said to her. And that's my new outlook, which is simple, and will probably bite me in the ass in the years to come; dead, complete, fucking honesty. Let me know where I stand, I'll do the same. Life is too short (considering I'm 1/3+ the way through) for this bullshit.

That sounds entirely too emo.

But dammit if it isn't true.

Shortly after she left, and with the blessing of my therapist, I started 'dating', which led me to the online gig, since I'm in IT and that's the environment I function best in. Resultant, I've been sort of 'serial-dating' as a knee-jerk reaction. I figure I've got 12+ years (I'm considering the fact that I wouldn't have starting adult 'dating' until 18) of life/dating/women experience to catch up on in as little time as possible. I'm not sure I gave myself any sort of deadline, or any sort of goal in light of everything. And that's absolutely a good thing, in my eyes. I've met some incredible people, and had some very worthwhile experiences throughout everything, none of which I'd ever give up.

On the whole, it's been amazing. And maybe that's because of where I'm coming from, where I never had that experience... Like when the Amish send their children out for Rumspringa, I feel like I'm on my own little catch-up rebellion. I'm experiencing things I never got to before because of my situation. I'm meeting new, interesting people. I'm having completely screwed-up experiences, that are completly out of the norm for anyone, much less someone in my situation. And I'm LOVING IT. It's pure, unadulterated chaos, and I'm embracing it.

But... I'm also winding down on it already. The Playboy lifesyle isn't one for me. I don't think, anyway. I've already hurt people in the short course of time I've been doing my 'new' thing. I have more people I have to hurt in some capacity because of circumstances. And I don't like doing that. It's just not in me. I'm a very compassionate person, and not a player (I just crush a lot) (but I don't). And that's part of the bigger issue on this. My hand was forced into this lifestyle I always thought about in the back of my mind, but really never wanted to deal with.

BUT, on the opposite page, I've seen what happens when a relationship seems to go amazingly, and the blows up in your face ultimately through.. well.. I know I mis-stepped, but ultimately I did nothing 'wrong', in the traditional Lifetime Movie sense of a relationship. So, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know that the Playboy lifestyle is for me, but I also am scared shitless to let myself be back in situation I was 3-4 months ago. It's interesting. And scary. And confusing.

And honestly, I love it. I normally hate not being in control, but this controlled chaos is perfect for me at this point in time. I want to be able to embrace it, experience it, and figure out EXACTLY what to do with it.

The biggest issue is, ultimately, I know that no matter what I wind up in, if there's another person involved, I lose control over the situation to some degree. I'm not sure what to do with that, honestly. I can't allow myself to be hurt like I was before. BUT, on the same breath, I know that I'll never be able to be hurt like that again. Not because I'm putting up guards and defenses, but because I'm capable of learning from mistakes, and learning to be more aware of my surroundings. Which may, or may not, be similar to a proverbial wall.

Regardless, I've reached my pinnacle. I know what I'm capable of withstanding, I know what I'm capable of giving now, and I know what I'm NOT willing to do again.

And I think that's the best possible starting point any person can ever have.

Monday, June 15, 2009

It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

Hit it.

And actually, it was like 1000+ miles.

Thursday:
Went to a geek conference downtown. In a basement. It was horrible, so I left early to go back into the office. Then I realized I left my laptop at home, so I went home and worked from home the rest of the day. Went up to the apartment bar for "a few". Wound up closing the bar down at midnight, and heading to an establishment of questionable morals until 2. Burritos, and more beer and bullshitting until 4am or so.

Friday:
Day off thankfully. Got breakfast, took nap. Went to DIA to wait for a plane which was perpetually delayed. Drank beer and watched the Wings bite it hard. Plane which was supposed to leave at 7 or 8 wound up leaving at like 10ish. Wound up drinking for free on the plane somehow. Checked into the hotel at Chicago at 2am.

Saturday:
Met the in-laws at the lobby at nine. Walked around in the rain looking for the red line. Passed it twice. Took train to Wrigley, drank beer at the Cubby Bear prior. More beer during, and obligatory dogs. Love Wrigley. Cubs lost, seats were covered though, so it was still ok since we weren't further soaked. Back to the Cubby Bear after the game for more beer. Back to the hotel to freshen up, drinks at the hotel, then over to Kinzey Chop House for some awesome-ass dead cow and other food lovin. Cab back to the hotel, hung out some more.

Family went to bed mostly, Chet, Ellen and I continued on against our better judgement. Found a Tilted Kilt, watched some crappy UFC fights, then wandered around looking for Miller's Pub. Eventually found it. Found they were open until 4. Damn. Drank a lot. Went to 7-11 and bought tacquitos. And dropped them. Then bought more. Took cab back to the hotel. Fell asleep.

Sunday:
Woke up at 10, ate some breakfast, and went back to Midway. Flight back got stuck in a holding pattern for about an hour due to tornadoes in Denver (again). Landed, made a b-line for BW3. Went home, in bed by 9. Still tired.

Just assembled my new work chair. This makes me happy since my old one was literally about to dump me out. This one has memory foam. It feels like heaven. We'll see how it holds up.

I love chair.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Blog? What's this blog thing you speak of?

Heh. Oops.

Let's see. Does anyone read this? Or did they? Will they again?

So, it's been like... a while since I wrote something, an update is in order. I'll just address things from the last few posts:

1) AM weigh-in, post vacation - 221. Oops. This is despite (or due to) me working out a buttload lately, etc. I feel much better than I did at 213 though, and think I look better too, so we're going to work on the muscle/water retention theory here.

2) We live in Denver now. Moved in the day before Thanksgiving. It's fucking awesome. Closed on the house in Collinsville 12/30/09. Lost our asses on it. Living in an awesome apartment complex now. No intentions on buying anything anytime soon.

3) Sold the S10 finally before we moved. Lost my ass on it.

4) Went to Jacksonville last weekend to see awesome people. It was awesome. I'll defer to Liz's blog for details, since she was there, and actually writes stuff.

5) In reference to 4, Delta eats balls.

6) There is no six.

7) Lori is flying in from Collinsville tomorrow. That should be interesting.

8) We're going to Chicago next weekend.

9) I quit smoking the day we closed on the house. I just had one at lunch though. Ellen says it is, or can be, a seasonal habit. I disagree, but enjoy beer and cigs by the pool. So I'll play ball.

Maybe I'll update this again since I did it once.